**Disclaimer: this is not meant to be understood by anyone other than people who know the situation and me personally. Currently it is 1 a.m. and all I know is I need to write this.**
A couple of days ago I began to re-read the book you wrote for me. It’s been sitting in various spots around my room for the last year and a half, usually somewhere on the floor amongst piles of clothes or books or school stuff. I began cleaning my room the other day out of boredom, and I looked in a little pink basket on the sitting on the floor. In it is a book about Coco Chanel, a book on the history of fashion, a letter from my grandfather, some colored pencils, and the book you wrote me.
I stopped and just stood there to look at it. The leather notebook I gave you sat in the front, remaining unopened since I read it the first time many moths ago. I don’t really know why, but I picked it up and set it on my nightstand. I thought to myself how I should really get rid of it. The reasons being the length of time thats gone by since we broke up… almost two years now. But also because of the fact that I felt like it wasn’t healthy for my relationship with Dylan to just have this book lying around my room.
That night I started to re-read it. I wanted to have another look at it before I got rid of it. I stayed up until 1:30 a.m. reading the first half and I finished the rest of it tonight. I thought about messaging your mom and asking if I could mail it back in case you wanted it (to be honest I think it would make an interesting romance novel), and I also thought about throwing it away. I decided not to message your mom. I don’t want to resurface the past or make it seem as though I want to get back together with you, because I don’t (too harsh?). I am so happy in my relationship with Dylan, I am certain he is “the one for whom my soul sings”.
I haven’t thrown it away yet, but Im going to. I guess it just feels a little wrong. Wrong because of how nice this journal is. Wrong because its like throwing away a piece of your heart. A piece that may or may not still exist, but a piece of it regardless. I guess thats also another thing… I have absolutely no idea how you feel about me. You could absolutely hate me for all I know. You could still long for me, you could just think of me as an important aspect of your past. I don’t know and I’ll probably never know, and thats okay. Its actually probably good- although my curious mind does wonder; I hope you don’t hate me.
So here I am at 1 a.m. with a piece of your heart bound in leather sitting six inches away from me and all of a sudden I am filled with a little bit of a sting in my heart. I don’t hate you, I never have. I definitely didn’t like you at a point in time, but I’ve never felt hate toward you. You were my first real love; you were my first for many things and I don’t regret any part of it. I learned so much from you. So much about what I do want, what I don’t want, so much about commitment and loyalty.
Im happy we didn’t work out… because we weren’t supposed to. However, I am happy for the years we spent together and the memories we made. I think about you still, I probably will always think about you. I hope you’re doing well, I hope you’ve found someone who shares similar dreams as you. I hope your career is beginning to flourish and that you find true happiness wherever you go and with whatever you do. Please don’t stop adventuring, please don’t stop writing- I know it sets your soul on fire.
I don’t know if you’ll ever see this. I hope you do. I wanted to write you a letter like this awhile ago, but I just never did. I wrote this for me before I get rid of the most vulnerable piece of writing I have ever read, to remember how Im feeling about this moment.
You were a huge part of my life for a time, that will never change.
Dylan is an even bigger part of my life forever, and that is so exciting to me. But what I have with him I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for everything that happened. So although there were a couple of years filled with pain and conflicting emotions for all of us, I am genuinely happy that is a struggle I had to face, because what I have know is what people spend their lives looking for.
I hope you find it too.