You used me against myself. You knew how much I loved you, how badly I wanted to make you happy, you knew how important it was to me that you felt loved. You made me feel guilty for ever missing you or for wishing you would stay closer to home to be with me even though I never asked you to stay. You lead me to feel guilty if I didn’t want to have sex, make out, or go down on you. In fact, you would get frustrated with me if I didn’t. I didn’t know then but I know now; that is not normal behavior.
I didn’t know at the time what you were doing, and to be honest I don’t know if you knew what you were doing either. Regardless, you knew my weak spots and you went for them to get what you wanted from me.
I don’t know if you ever really loved me. I think you just enjoyed what I gave to you, I was something for you to show to people to say, “Look what I’ve had for four years”, like I was just something to have- like an accessory to tote around. I was a marker of an “accomplishment”, something you succeeded at getting and keeping, something you never thought would end.
But you walked me to the edge of the cliff, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take the grief that came from being with you, I couldn’t take the shame of only ever feeling like a piece of ass for you, because thats how you treated me. I couldn’t take never being a priority to you except for when it was at your convenience. I couldn’t take it anymore.
But the thing is, I can only blame you for so much of it, because I allowed you to do this to me. I wish I knew then what I know now, ah but isn’t that how it always goes?
I genuinely, truly hope that in your next relationship you treat her like royalty, that you respect her, that you see her in a beautifully unique and special way, and I hope she reciprocates that back to you.
Thank you for what you taught me, I wouldn’t know what I do know if it weren’t for you. So thank you.